The Secret Diaries of Dick Cheney

The Secret Diaries of Dick Cheney
August 7, 2008, VP Diary Entry

"Regrets, forget about it. I'd have the CIA forge another letter linking Saddam and Al Qaeda tomorrow, but it's not necessary. That one worked. In fact, Seymour Hersh is right, we got some great plans for provoking Iran so that we can seize control of their oil fields.

What is everybody -- as Phil Gramm got beat over the head for saying -- whining about? I'll tell you, they're whining because it costs too much at the pump to put gasoline in their car. Well, who has got the balls to take over Iraq and Iran -- if we can pull off some more manufactured provocation -- and keep their oil reserves under American control? Me, that's who. So people should stop bellyaching every time they gas up and instead thank me and the little kid in need of a father figure in the White House for doing the dirty work for them.

Yeah, sometimes you got to unleash the anthrax to scare some weak-kneed Democratic senators into voting for the "Patriot Act" so that I can keep working on the dark side without interference from some ACLU lawyers all up in arms about the Constitution. What do they think this is, a democracy? No, it's a great nation built on the back of large corporations with guts and gumption. Yeah, people get rich. Everyone in America wants to be rich. What's wrong with being rich? Being poor is highly overrated… Hmmm, I like that one. I can even make myself chuckle every once in awhile. Heck, there's poor people everywhere around the world. Why should America be different? This is a great nation because we look out for number one, not every pathetic, needy loser roaming the streets. It takes a realist to know that there's not enough pie for everyone, and the people with the sharpest knives and the quickest hands deserve it the most. That's just the law of nature.

At least, our kangaroo court down there in Guantanamo finally got a conviction: Osama's driver. That will keep another foreigner from driving a taxi around New York City. They are all guilty down there. They are guilty of something: being short, being tall, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, not being born white, wearing a turban. Hey, this is America, as John McCain said, this is Miss Topless Buffalo Chip riding bareback on a Harley country. And what's with that McCain? He doesn't want me at the GOP Convention! That's okay, I'm not a religious guy -- I leave the holy roller sucking up stuff to Junior in the White House -- but I am suffering for the good of the nation.

Someone's got to be deep down there in the cave, making the decisions on the dark side that keep America one step ahead of China and Russia. The future is built upon our giant corporations. Congress doesn't matter much anymore. It's a quaint artifact, just a bunch of posturing popinjays. All that matters is that Exxon/Mobil could buy half of the nations in the world with a year's worth of company profits. Now, that's power. And my pals don't have to go to 435 representatives and 100 senators for permission to pull in that kind of dough and make a lot of people very wealthy -- and it's the wealthy who pull the rest of America along with them. You're darn tootin' about that. Only the big multi-nationals can keep us afloat, as long as we give them the military support that they need to expand their markets and extend their control over fossil fuels. And Americans just aren't equipped to understand all of this. We do it for them -- the forgeries, the manufactured provocations, the invasions, the torturing, the killing -- because you can't be a great nation and be wimpy when it comes to conquest.

It's a world of good and evil out there. I know because I know my own heart, so I know of what I speak, and you either stomp out someone else's evil or you're stuck with your own. The choice has been a simple one for me: shoot first, to the victor go the spoils of war, and don't answer to anyone, including that ditzy Pat Robertson's God. But it's not about me; it's about doing what benefits Americans, but they are too skittish about laws and rights and all that legal gibberish to do. Where would this nation be today if I had a conscience? That's the question I want answered. We'd be free falling into the Third World. But I don't expect credit, or care for high poll numbers, or want a standing "O" if McCain would let me speak at the Republican Convention.

My satisfaction comes from seeing all those billions in the bottom lines of American corporations who span the globe. By looking out for them, I'm looking out for our people. That's satisfaction enough for me. No one's going to Dick this VP, that's for sure. I got complete control of things -- Junior George knows his role as front man -- and everything is on course. I wouldn't have done one thing differently over the past 8 years. You don't look back, and you don't apologize. There are always casualties when you grab the power that is due you. Mission accomplished."

THE BUZZFLASH EDITOR'S BLOG

Mark Karlin
Editor and Publisher
August 7, 2008
(Satire, or Maybe Not)