Will Alan Keyes Ride the Nutcake Express to the White House?

BUZZFLASH EDITOR'S BLOG

Mark Karlin, Editor and Publisher, BuzzFlash.com

February 1, 2008

Dearest friends, don’t be falsely comforted by a Thursday night Democratic debate in Los Angeles that was civil, substantive, and even downright cordial at times. Don’t think that the respectful back-and-forth between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama at the Kodak Theater heralds a theme of unified Democrats, no matter who is the GOP nominee, that will ride us into a Blue State victory in November!

No, on the horizon is a forgotten candidate who may rise from the obscurity that he so richly deserves to triumph on a platform of homophobia (even though his daughter is a lesbian, but – hey – take a look at Dick Cheney), Jesus-o-mania, xenophobia, and positions so nutty that they make Mike Huckabee look a secular humanist.

Of course, we are talking about the irrepressible Alan Keyes. (He actually usually insists on being called Ambassador Alan Keyes, because he served at the U.N. – known as hostile territory to the Busheviks – under Reagan.)

Yes, BuzzFlash just received a press release on January 31st from the Keyes "Campaign," which we had forgotten even existed.

In it, Keyes warns us, "Mitt Romney is single-handedly responsible for instituting same-sex marriage in Massachusetts."

Never mind that the betting money is on McCain being the Republican nominee now, Keyes has something important to tell us, although he is such a bloviator, it is often hard to figure out what that might be.

Anyway, in a “J’Accuse” e-mail sent from the “headquarters” of the Keyes campaign in Provo, Utah, we learn, among other things:

"The failure by Romney to 'say no' to corrupt activist judges in a critical controversy over 'separation of powers,' and his willingness to take unwarranted steps that exceeded his lawful authority, reveal the kind of chief executive he would be if elected president," Keyes believes.

Romney's mishandling of the matter, said Keyes — who holds a Ph.D. from Harvard in government and wrote his dissertation on constitutional theory — has been ignored by conservative leaders, as well as the national media. "Romney shouldn't get a free pass on so vital a public-policy issue."

Excuse us, but doesn’t that sound like Mr. – we mean Ambassador – Keyes is talking about Bush’s illegal signing statements overriding Congressional laws and his Constitutional authority?

Oh well, watch out, the perennial candidate Mr. Keyes may yet ride into the hearts of minds and voters everywhere in a national reawakening of moron proportions.

Then again, if his last “rent a candidate” campaign is any guide, don’t count on it. In 2004, the Illinois Republican Party was desperately looking for a candidate to run against a popular Democrat for an open U.S. Senate seat. The Republican chosen in the primary had to leave the race in the summer because of some kinky sexual behavior involving his ex-wife (a TV starlet in Hollywood, no less). No well-known member of the GOP in Illinois wanted to take on the thankless task. So, in its infinite stupidity, the Illinois Republican Party “imported” Alan Keyes – who has no relationship to Illinois whatsoever – to run for the senate.

Keyes claimed to move into an apartment in a South Chicago suburb with bars on its doors, but no member of the news media could ever find him there. The highlight of his campaign was when it was discovered that one of the “condemned to Hell” members of the LGBT community he was preaching – or running – against was his daughter, who was campaigning with him. She kept a blog, it turned out, in which she revealed how dreadful it was to be dragged around the state supporting her father who denounced lesbians, since she was one (although closeted at the time.) (The blog was originally anonymous, but the author was discovered to be Keyes’ poor daughter during the course of the campaign.)

In any case, the most noteworthy legacy of the campaign was that it was the first time in the history of Illinois that two blacks competed for a U.S. Senate Seat, and probably in modern American history.

Unfortunately for Mr. – Uh, Ambassador – Keyes, the other African-American candidate happened to be Barack Obama, who won in a blow-out (as in more than 70% of the vote.)

The rest, as they say, is history.

(Some pundits have argued that if Hillary Clinton had waited to run for the Senate in her birth state of Illinois – where she was raised and went to school – she would have probably won the primary that Barack Obama won in 2004 and gone on to become Dick Durbin’s partner in the U.S. Senate from the Land of Lincoln. That would have meant that Barack Obama might very well still be a State Senator in Illinois. Now that would have changed the dramatic campaign now underway, wouldn’t it have?)

But back to Keyes, you can view information about his “momentum-building” campaign at his website. In it, you’ll learn alarming breaking news, such as “Iowa GOP refuses to report Keyes votes” and “Alan Keyes launches Texas swing.”

Look, we haven’t had a chance to laugh a lot -- given the passions that this Dem primary is provoking -- but we thank Keyes for giving us a humor break.

And should you doubt his credentials, just rest assured that he wants you to know that he’s a “Reagan Statesman.”

Line up with the rest of them, Alan, they all claim to be “Reagan Statesmen.”

Now go out and win one for the Gipper!

BUZZFLASH EDITOR'S BLOG