Will Durst: Staking The Hypocritical Oafs

I'm a little worried about the Republicans. I am. My job is to mock and scoff and taunt; these days it's almost too easy. I was taught you don't kick people when they're down, which probably qualifies me as a weenie or a wuss in their book. Hence the famous retractable 8 penny serrated hobnails in the toes of Karl Rove's boots. But lately to imply they're a tad disorganized is like musing Don Imus might not be first choice to play Santa at the 2007 CBS Christmas Party. Not only isn't this your father's Republican Party, but also it's not even George Bush's father's Republican Party any more. You could go so far as to say that this Republican Party is mighty disconnected from the Republic and it sure ain't no party.

Over at the White House, the President's head is in danger of snapping right off as he swivels to and fro explaining why he won't sign the $120 billion supplemental war funding bill about to be sent to him by the Democratic Congress. Initially he claimed his threatened veto was due to the bill's surfeit of Democratic earmarks. Then his earmarks were found stapled to it, not to mention hundreds of Republican legislative Post-it notes attached to the $94 billion supplemental war funding bill he did sign last June. Causing him to switch tactics faster than a fifth-year art school undergrad disrobes at Burning Man, now he says he won't sign the bill because of its artificial timetable for Iraqi troop withdrawal. Apparently he's interested in an organic timetable -- an heirloom tomato and tofu timetable.

In another part of town, Republicans jumped all over House Speaker Nancy Pelosi for her meeting with Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad -- totally ignoring the fact that three Republican Congressmen made the exact same trip and spoke to the very same Syrian President in Damascus on April 1. I'm sure it was written it off as an April Fool's Day prank. Next I suppose they'll complain Pelosi traveled on a bigger plane than the Republicans did. Or she usurped frequent flyer miles that rightfully belong to Condoleezza Rice.

On Capitol Hill, you got Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman. And don't bother with the Independent stuff. The man is such a lapdog of the Administration, if you listen real close to C-SPAN, you can hear his toenails echo off the marble floors of the Rotunda. Referring to Moqtada al-Sadar's rally where hundreds of thousands burned American flags and chanted "Americans Leave Now," Lieberman called it a good thing. "He's striking a nationalist chord... acknowledging that the surge is working," going a long way to convince sane people that somebody has negatives of him, naked with a goat and turkey baster.

Speaking of Iraq, Representative Mike Pence put his foot in his mouth so deep, his Kevlar loafer got wrapped in his own lower intestine, when he talked about a heavily fortified trip to a market in Baghdad as "a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime." Funny, I grew up in the Midwest. Totally missed the whole armored Humvee, sharpshooters on roofs, bulletproof vest market shopping deal.

Then there's the candidates. John McCain echoing yet distancing himself from his buddy Pence. Rudy Giuliani telling Alabama he sees nothing wrong with flying the Confederate Flag. And those hotel pillowcases with the eye holes cut in them... snazzy! Mitt Romney bragging about being a lifelong hunter then admitting he's only been hunting twice. Those wacky Republicans and their fuzzy math. That kind of thinking could qualify George Bush as a lifelong reader but definitely continues the GOP tradition of being lifelong targets of my sophomoric sniping. Long may they be hypocri-cize.

Comic, writer, actor, former radio talk show host and advertising copy writer Will Durst, wants to be the first to wear the jolly old elf's suit and walk up to Imus bellowing "ho ho ho."

Catch Durst as he hosts The Mt. Zion Benefit at the Palace of Fine Arts on Saturday April 21, featuring Carol Channing. And listen to his twice weekly commentaries @ audible.com/willdurst.