Richard A. Stitt: Presidential Document Shredder Job Vacancy

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION
by Richard A. Stitt

DEPARTMENT: Office of Public Document Shredding
AGENCY: Office of the Secretary of Disinformation
JOB ANNOUNCEMENT NUMBER: OPDS-EZOUT-GWB

Presidential Document Shredder Specialist (PDSS) - GS-0000-1/2

SALARY RANGE: $16,352 - $18,385 USD per year
OPEN PERIOD: December 31, 2008 to January 20, 2009.
SERIES & GRADE: GS-0000-01/02

POSITION INFORMATION: Part-Time/Not to exceed two months.

PROMOTION POTENTIAL: None. 1
DUTY LOCATION: Multiple vacancies - Washington, D.C., White House Executive Office, Office of Vice President, Department of Justice, All Federal agencies headed by G. W. Bush cronies.

WHO MAY BE CONSIDERED: U.S. Citizens, Non-U.S. Citizens who pledge loyalty and secrecy to President G. W. Bush.

JOB SUMMARY: Must have rapid shredding skills using high speed cross-shredders; no crossdressers, however (that leaves out Rudy Giuliani); special requirement to shred full-time, 12-hour shifts. Must be available on-call 24/7. In-house quarters are authorized and expenses for meals (MREs) provided by Halliburton, whose motto is "Carpe Per Diem."

If shredding carries over to the presidential transition team during this critical period, Shredder Specialist(s) will be required to continue shredding at warp speed, disregarding objections by incoming administration.

QUALIFICATIONS: MBA degree, preferably from a prestigious Ivy League school, maintaining at least a C- grade point average. Job experience may be substituted for formal education provided the applicant demonstrates that he/she is at least marginally proficient in speaking English as a second language.
 
Writing skills and ability to communicate coherently a definite asset but not mandatory. Military service will qualify for 5-point hiring preference with the proviso that service member was not AWOL for more than one year.

If selected for this position, under no circumstances will applicant cooperate with any Congressional inquiry or government investigation regarding possible illicit acts by the present White House occupant. Though the shredded documents may have violated U.S. Constitutional laws and/or undermined the national security of the United States, the overriding responsibility by the applicant is to cover up the ineptitude and incompetence of this administration and their illegal, immoral acts against the American people.

KEY REQUIREMENTS: Republican (Will be vetted by former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales).

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION

Richard A. Stitt
Austin, Texas