Can I Bring Myself to Vote for a White Person? Just Look at Them!

A BUZZFLASH COMMENTARY (SATIRE)

By Leah Krinsky

John McCain is a good man, there’s no doubt about that. He has served his country with valor, both in the Navy and in Congress. He’s outspoken, experienced, smart, dedicated, passionate, and an original thinker.

But there’s one thing he’s got against him, and it’s got nothing to do with who he is as a man, or who he would be as President. I hate to even bring it up, but it’s a proverbial elephant in the room, and if he loses the election, it will be one of the main reasons, even though nobody mentions it.

He’s white.

I know I talk a good game about being liberal and color-blind and "we’re all the same" and all that Kumbaya stuff, but still, when I step into that voting booth and it’s me and that ballot, I just don’t think I can bring myself to vote for a white man.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist. I love white people. I’ve got white friends, and we can hang out and have a good time listening to U2 and eating raw foods and drinking microbrews. I mean, I don’t really "get" their culture, but I’m trying to broaden my horizons. I’ve watched some curling tournaments, gone to some RV shows. I even tried dancing the polka once. It’s the 21st century, and I know it’s important to honor diversity, so, you know, I try to do my part.

And let’s give credit where credit is due: there are some things that white people are just inherently hands-down better at than black folks. Like running hate groups. Somehow, unemployed white people who are operating meth labs in their parents’ basements have this amazing ability to gather other white people who are just like them and get them all to agree that they’re the superior race. And white people are so awesome at being totally disorganized and unprepared when there’s a big natural disaster and poor people are dying and don’t have food, water, or shelter.

But I don’t know about turning over the stewardship of our great nation, the beacon of hope and freedom to which the rest of the world looks for guidance and leadership, over to, you know, one of "them". I just don’t think it’s the right time. I mean, I’m sure that white people are perfectly nice and do a fine job if they’re kept in their place, but look at what happens when you give them a little power. A.I.G., Lehman Brothers, Iraq…keep your hand on your wallet when there’s a white person around, is all I’m saying, because you never know when he’s going to try to grab it to fund one of his bank bailouts or his crazy wars or give one of his oil industry buddies a big old tax break.

And white women? Don’t get me started. Just look at that Sarah Palin. So typical…all that money on clothes and make-up, abandoning her husband and children so she can galivant around with another man…are you really surprised her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant, with a role model like that? And what’s with the way Palin talks? All that "doggone it" and "you betcha"? What’s that, some kind of Whitebonics? Why can’t she speak proper English? That’s the problem with all this multiculturalism; sometimes all it accomplishes is giving people an excuse to flaunt their ignorance in the name of "diversity" and "tolerance".

So, anyway, I know this piece is going to offend a lot of people. I know I’m leaving myself open for hate mail, crank calls, and death threats. But I feel strongly enough about this that I’m willing to take those risks in order to speak my mind. I mean, the Patriot Act notwithstanding, last time I checked there was still freedom of speech in this country. White people have had their chance, and they’ve blown it. Let’s see how they do without their tax breaks and their free-market economy.

A BUZZFLASH COMMENTARY (SATIRE)