Beth Hunter: John McCain's Job Interview

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION
by Beth Hunter
 
Interviewer: So, Mr. McCain, why don't you have a seat?

John McCain: Why, thank you, my friend.

Interviewer: Why don't you start out by telling me a little bit about yourself?

John McCain: Well, I'm the ne'er-do-well son and grandson of men who were famous four-star U.S. Navy admirals. I graduated 894th out of a class of 899 at the Naval Academy. I always say, start at the bottom and work your way up. That's the American way.

Interviewer: And what leadership experience do you have?

John McCain: Well, I've been a member of our local town council for many years now, and although it's true we've never gotten anything productive done in the council, I am proud to say that I led the effort.

Interviewer: And what would you say is your leadership style?

John McCain: Oh, make no mistake about it, my friend -- either you're with me or against me. And I promise you that I will get rid of any naysayers. It's my way or the highway.

Interviewer: Okay. Well, what tone would you set in the office?

John McCain: Conflict, of course. Conflict and free-market competition. Everyone must get with the program, and that program, of course, will be set by me. I can already see that I'm going to have some major problems with the other departments at this company, and I plan to take proactive steps to make sure they understand who's boss around here. Now, there are some who would say I'm erratic and hot-headed, but what they mistakenly see as irrational, unfounded punishment and juvenile-style acting out is what I would call true, dedicated leadership. I won't have any namsy-pamsies in my office.

Interviewer: Now, by law, I am not allowed to discriminate against your age. But you are now well past the age of retirement. Do you feel that you have the vigor and drive to lead a large number of employees?

John McCain: Look, the reason that I am, I believe, qualified is because I have the experience and the knowledge and the background to make the judgments necessary in this very difficult and challenging world, where we face a transcendent challenge of radical Islamic extremism. There's no time for on-the-job training, seriously.

Interviewer: And speaking of discrimination, by federal law, we must abide by all anti-discrimination practices here at the office. What are your plans to support this initiative?

John McCain: Well, with all due respect, I am against Roe v. Wade, and I can't say that I'm in favor of allowing our employees to take time off for such specious a "holiday" as Martin Luther King Day just so they can lollygag about chowing down barbecued pork and grits, drinking malt liquor, and puffing away on joints.

Interviewer: We don't allow smoking in the office, as I'm sure you can imagine.

John McCain: No smoking? That's preposterous. In fact, I'm going to mandate that all the windows be left open so that we can fully breathe in all of that good, healthful aroma of capitalist free enterprise that the pollution from the plant next store affords us.

Interviewer: You mentioned your father and grandfather. What about your own military record? What about your record qualifies you for Office Manager with our company?

John McCain: Well, I fought in Vietnam, and I'm proud to say that over a period of nine years, I lost five -- I repeat, five U.S. Navy aircraft -- all paid for, mind you, by the U.S. taxpayers -- four in just plain stupid accidents of my own making, and one in combat, when I was shot down in October 1967 by a surface-to-air missile.

Now, this is the best part of all -- you're gonna love this. I ejected from the plane breaking both arms and a leg in the process and was subsequently parachuted into Truc Bach Lake near Hanoi. After being dragged from the lake, a mob gathered around me, spit on me, kicked me and stripped me of my clothing. I was then bayoneted in my left foot and had my shoulder crushed by a rifle butt. I totally recommend this technique, too, by today's U.S. military.

So after being bitch-slapped, slobbered on, stripped splendidly naked, bayoneted and crushed -- ahh, I still remember it to this day... -- oh, where was I? -- I was transported to the Hoa Lo Prison, which you probably know as the Hanoi Hilton. After being periodically slapped around for three or four days by my captors who wanted military information, I called for an officer on my fourth day of captivity.

I told the officer, "Okay, I'll give you military information if you will take me to the hospital." You can look this up -- it was reported in a U.S. News and World Report, May 14, 1973 article that I wrote myself. You can imagine how many minutes of fame I got out of that stunt! Demands for military information were accompanied by threats to terminate my medical treatment if I did not cooperate. Eventually, I gave them my ship's name and squadron number, and confirmed that my target had been the power plant." Page 193-194, Faith of My Fathers by John McCain. Yep, I gave it up, gave it all up, and cried like a little girl who's been denied her lollipop.

When the Communists learned that my pops was Admiral John S. McCain, Jr., the soon-to-be commander of all U.S. Forces in the Pacific, I was rushed to Gai Lam military hospital, a medical facility normally unavailable for U.S. POWs. The Communist Vietnamese figured, because my pops was of such high military rank, that he was of royalty or the governing circle, which I do consider myself to be. Thereafter the Communists bragged that they had captured "the crown prince." You gotta love it. Equal treatment can stick it where the sun don't shine.

For 23 combat missions (an estimated 20 hours over enemy territory), the U.S. Navy awarded me a Silver Star, a Legion of Merit for Valor, a Distinguished Flying Cross, three Bronze Stars, two Commendation medals plus two Purple Hearts and a dozen service medals.

So I had roughly 20 hours in combat. Since I got 28 medals, that equals out to about a medal-and-a-half for each hour I spent in combat. Not so shabby, eh, my friend? There were infantry guys -- grunts on the ground -- who had more than 7,000 hours in combat and I can tell you that there were times and situations where I'm sure a prison cell would have looked pretty good to them by comparison. But screw them. They just weren't as clever as I was.

And look at me now! Forty-one years later, and I can sit -- albeit stiffly, like Lurch -- before you here today, alive and well! Now, that's what I call success.

Interviewer: Mr. McCain, you're hired. You can report to work on Monday morning. I see a big future for you here at Blackwater USA.

John McCain: Thank you, my friend. Thank you very much.

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION