Texas' President-Elect Chuck Norris is a Tool of the Radical Right, Which Seems to Be Planning an Armed Insurrection This Friday

A BUZZFLASH NEWS ANALYSIS
by Meg White

The last thing I heard about '80s action hero Chuck Norris beyond his illustrious film career was a couple of years ago when I was introduced to the online irony factory called ChuckNorrisFacts.com. For a while there, all the cool kids were spewing hilarious "truisms" about Norris' supposed supernatural abilities. 

Here are some of my favorites:

• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

You may not (want to) believe me, but there are hundreds more. I guess I should have been paying attention to the items on the Chuck Norris favorites list, which the purveyor of the site claims were "picked by the man himself." The last one on that list?

• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

You can even get it on a T-shirt. A T-shirt that just might become the uniform of the revolution.

Much like ChuckNorrisFacts.com makes dough off of Chuck Norris' retro popularity, the right wing is learning how to cash in politically on the martial arts actor turned conservative puppet.

It was fine for awhile. Until they started talking about armed insurrection. Who else could possibly be responsible for taking this several steps too far but the craziest righty on television, Glenn Beck. Beck had Norris on his show last week to promote Norris' new book and Beck's new political army.

Norris described the exchange on his post-interview column at -- where else -- World Net Daily:

[Beck said] "If this country starts to spiral out of control... Americans won't stand for it. There will be parts of the country that will rise up." Then Glenn asked me and his listening audience, "And where's that going to come from?" He answered his own question, "Texas, it's going to come from Texas. Do you agree with that Chuck?" I replied, "Oh yeah!" Definitely.

Chuck then proclaims he's going to run for the presidency of Texas, which would be funny if he weren't serious. No, wait.  It still is kind of funny. Honestly, if Chuck Norris, or anyone else for than matter, really wants to lead a peaceful secession movement in Texas, I say let 'em. That state has been nothing but problems since the beginning.

Much like the ads for Jerome Corsi's Red Alert and this amazing patch that magically sucks toxins out of your skin while you sleep that flank his column, Norris is a panacea that helps sooth the deep-seated fears the country has about this frightful social and economic situation we're in. There are many people in this country who will never be satisfied when their nation is not being run by a majority of conservatives in each branch of the government. And if joining the Chuck Norris fan club makes them feel like citizens making a difference, fine with me.

But this is much scarier than any fan club. Norris ends his column encouraging readers to get together with other conservative "cell groups" (not community organizations, cell groups) to watch Beck's live telecast on Friday the 13th. Notice his specific mention of people with guns to be in attendance (emphasis mine).

Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation. You can host or attend a viewing party by going to Glenn's website. My wife Gena and I will be hosting one from our Texas ranch, in which we've invited many family members, friends and law enforcement to join us. It's our way of saying "We're united, we're tired of the corruption, and we're not going to take it anymore!"

The telecast is supposedly to launch the movement Beck is calling "We Surround Them."

Beck lists nine principles guiding his new movement on his Web site. The priniciples contain the usual right-wing "government ain't the boss of me," pro-Christianity propaganda. My favorite, though, marks a turnaround for the hardcore right. After years of conservatives screaming that those who don't support the president are un-American and want our troops to die terrible deaths, Beck comes out with principle number eight:

"It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion."

Beck said this on his show when introducing the eighth principle: "My opinion or others' opinions may be anti-American. Anti-American rhetoric would be anything that's destructive to the Constitution and our country as the founders understood it unless you want to change that."

He then called his audience to action saying, "If you agree with seven of these nine, please, stand up and fight for them."

Beck's followers describe the movement in terms of 9/11 and seem to equate the Obama Administration with the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks. One woman explains the linguistic origin of the 9/12 movement on the "meet up" Web site that gathers together the "cells" Norris was talking about:

9-10 saw us naïve and carefree, with our heads in the sand. 9-11 opened our eyes and stunned us into silence. 9-12 saw us rise from the ashes.

We are faced with yet another attack on our freedoms. This one doesn't come in the form of airplanes, but is an assault on our core freedoms, principles and values. Our Constitution hangs by a thread, our economy has been sold, our rights trampled, our future compromised.

Their site also has a handy map of all the meetup events in the country, so you can click on your state to see from which direction the pitchfork-wielding masses might be coming this Friday night. So far, I seem to have little to fear. The only meetup planned in Chicago, at a bar on the far west side of the city, has a total of two people signed up to attend. So much for "surrounding."

Not only do Norris and Beck spend their brief on-air time together plotting some sort of vague armed insurrection, but also they dreamt up a Michele Bachmann-style investigation into Washington politics, only with more violence and led by the military instead of the media. From the transcript of the show (again, my emphases):

BECK: I would love to have General Petraeus go up to Washington and clean that hornet's nest out. I'd like him to set up a military tribunal and call them in one by one, okay, going to have a little interview with you. Find out if they're guilty or innocent of being involved in, you know, all kinds of the scandals that are going on and kick them out.

NORRIS: I want to go with General Petraeus myself and be next to him and when he finds out who's guilty and, you know, dishonest, then I will take care of it for him. Took him out. I'll choke them out, the ones that he finds dishonest, I will choke them out and stick them into a pile.

Whoa, Chuck. I know Glenn is real good at whipping people into a frenzy, but chill out. You've got to save your legendary roundhouse for Saturday's Showdown in H-Town!

In all seriousness, it's easy for a cynical person such as me to laugh off a fading action star who spends about as much time promoting "Total Gym" exercise equipment and pushing his new book as he does fomenting revolution. But laughter may not be the best response here.

Sure, Glenn Beck is a scary man. Just a few minutes of his bizarre television show is enough to raise my blood pressure significantly. But it's not crazy wack jobs such as Beck that pose the biggest threat to our nation. It's easily indoctrinated people such as Norris who are good at selling Americans crap they don't need that we should worry about.

A BUZZFLASH NEWS ANALYSIS