No-Fly List: Dead 9/11 Hijackers, Saddam, and "John Williams." Feel Safer?

A BUZZFLASH NEWS ANALYSIS

Uh-oh, we're in trouble. Five of the 19 dead September 11 hijackers are not on the U.S. no-fly list, according to a 60 Minutes report to be broadcast this Sunday. Luckily, the other 15 are. Thanks to George Bush's vigilant anti-terrorism policies, these remaining hijackers would be stopped in their tracks at the airport should they decide to come back to life to strike again.

Hey, they might be getting bored in paradise: those 72 women are probably not virgins anymore.

While it is unclear if Homeland Security would be able to stop the deceased terrorists should they be reincarnated as someone else (or at least get their names changed), it's good to know our government is hard at work protecting us against zombies. If we thought these guys were hard to stop the first time, imagine the struggle we would have fighting off an army of the living dead.

The no-fly list also includes people who still have a pulse. If Saddam Hussein wants to fly our friendly skies, well, too bad! He's on the list too. The deposed dictator murdered thousands of his own people and duped our president into ordering one of the biggest blunders in U.S. history, but it looks like he will just have to take the bus next time he travels. America always gets the last laugh.

Names like John Williams, Gary Smith, and Robert Johnson are also on the list of 44,000 people banned from flying. If you know any of these three men, you should probably call the FBI immediately. Who would have guessed the famous Star Wars composer was really a terrorist all along? Well, that's why we have the list.

You would have to assume Osama bin Laden is on the no-fly list as well, making Bush's brilliant strategy to catch him finally clear: just wait for him to try to redeem his frequent flier miles, and then nab him at the airport. It's bound to happen eventually. Disney World probably isn't his style, but we do have some great caves he might be interested in visiting.

In the 60 Minutes show, a former FBI agent says that the government "basically did a massive data dump" and compiled the list quickly. "When we heard the name list . . . the eyes rolled back in my head, because we knew what was going to happen," he said.

In case you were wondering, the British terrorists planning to blow up airplanes flying to the U.S. didn't happen to make the list, meaning that, unlike the Robert Johnsons of the world, these men would have been cleared for takeoff.

Unless they were flying with Saddam, of course.

A BUZZFLASH NEWS ANALYSIS

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